The Goldfinch
The Goldfinch movie is like watching paint dry, but if the paint were REALLY trying to dry. Like, if the paint’s parents paid to have it attend a Drying School…and there’s enormous pressure for it to dry well, and it’s trying REALLY hard. But when people are watching, it gets shy and can’t exactly do it. There’s simply too much pressure.
The film is too much bullshit and too many clichés. I’m a pretentious New England cunt, and even I’m thinking, “Honey, please…I need more vapid bitch and less ‘I don’t know how to use my butter knife.'” Donna Tartt is friggin’ wonderful, but this adaptation is forced and poorly rendered. And it’s SO fucking BORING.
I felt nothing for anyone, and no plot ever develops. It’s a ridiculous amount of exposition covered through talking and voiceover.
Shit-eating Pointless Person #1: “In case you weren’t aware, Theo’s father left the family six months ago.”
Shit-eating Pointless Person #2: “I wasn’t aware.”
Right. Me neither, bitch. Who does fucking care? Oh, here’s more pointless information about a character you don’t care about at all. I mean, shit, I got more emotional from the trailer for “Honey Boy” than I did after 30 minutes of this garbage.
Hard pass, and may all of these people die horrible, pointless deaths…just like the mom in this movie…. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!