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Film Theory

Vitriolic rants and raving recommendations of movies, as well as insights into filmmaking technique.

“Wonder Woman” Is Anything But Wonderful

Wonder Woman 02

Wonder Woman

The best kinds of feminist works are produced by men. So, when trying to conceive of a great feminist story, it’s almost essential to have three male writers exclusively on the project. They just have an outsider’s perspective that makes their assessment of socialisation against women more poignant and insightful, apparently. And if you got this far without reading the obvious scorn in my tone, I will just come out and say that this anti-feminist trash was a meandering fucking mess of platitudes loosely veiled inside the circus ride that is the Marvel and DC trite movie formula. It’s utter, pedantic, and patriarchal crap. It does nothing for progress. If anything, it checks a box to say “There, we gave you one…now shut up,” which is the definition of moral licensing.

And I wish I were joking about the three male writers…I’m not. Zack Synder, shitbird extraordinaire, even managed to leave his indelible herpes stamp of slow-motion fuckery to this tragic step back for heroic female leads.

The only caveat I’ll give to this review is that it only addresses the film; I’m not even going to bother with the original source material, what is canon, or what would’ve made more sense had I read such and such an issue. Thankfully, I don’t have to.

Also, while there are probably some spoilers here, I don’t think it’ll ruin anything for you. Any “twists” they attempted are painfully conspicuous miles ahead. I honestly don’t even know where to begin. Maybe the subpar production value, where you can clearly see green fringing where some asshole didn’t chromakey properly – unbelievable for a film with a budget of $149 million. Or maybe the ill-timed edits, with staggering amounts of “posed” freezeframes, where they literally asked her to hold a knelt position so that her body was completely devoid of any hint of momentum in the physics.

We could talk about her weapon being a literal penis. For those of you that don’t know, the Latin word for “sword” – which is gladius – also has a slang tense that means penis. Scabbard, by contrast, is translated into Latin as “vagina.” I mean, I know it’s ineffectual in the context of the story, but it’s like…a literal fake penis…a façade dildo of justice, if you will. Hmm…can’t unwrite that one….

Maybe I’ll offer something I liked: the backstory about Aries falling was done in an interesting way – with a Renaissance-style painting the subtly moved. There. That’s it.

Why don’t I just list some of the obvious, sexist inferences and stereotypes that they did NOT aim to address outright, including some of my personal favorites:

  • Sexual naiveté (needs a man to explain how babies are born, the difference between a watch and a penis, and she uses that ACTUAL FUCKING TERM ‘pleasures of the flesh’);
  • Overreacting in a public space and needs to calm down;
  • Doesn’t understand the nuances of war, despite being raised into a fucking warrior class;
  • Mansplaining all over the goddamned place, and she’s almost invariably wrong in her arguments;
  • Falls in love after Steve gives her the D;
  • Unerring altruism (mothers the fuck out of everyone);
  • Crazy-making or gaslighting (all the men distrusting her – nearly wink winking each other in every scene despite walking through a literal fucking portal and witnessing the power of these incredible warriors – not to mention her jumping 20 feet in the air and mowing down a church steeple);
  • The obligatory, non-sexually competitive DUFF secretary (apparently this is a real thing, and it stands for “designated, ugly, fat friend” typically depicted in Rom-Coms);
  • And finally, she learns the invaluable lesson that love conquers all because…mother complex.

I don’t care what anyone says, the acting – outside of Steve and Doctor Poison – was nearly unwatchable. One only has to turn down the overpowering music to notice the confused dialects that abound. I mean, shit, half the time these fuckers talk like they’re Nords from Skyrim; the other half, they’re Ukrainian gang members skulking around the outskirts of a ghetto in Odessa. Pick one for Christ’s sake! And hire a goddamned speech coach.

There is so much in here that was simply strung together without any thought for causality. Characters die, new ones emerge. Sidekicks come in to do absolutely fuck-all, just to fill out the labourious play-length. No one serves an essential purpose.

The exposition was nearly comic, with a bombastic voice over bookending this piece of shit. When there wasn’t an omniscient voice recounting everything you needed to know in order to fill in the gaping fucking plot holes, it was closeup after closeup of text. You get to read notebooks, emails, labels, you fucking name it. Shit, man, they should’ve made this a book!

The entire purpose of the movie was Bruce Wayne sending her an archival photo asking to hear more about the story – God knows why it was under the level of security it was – but instead they just end it with her writing a motherfucking thank you note on some nondescript email client. …WHAAAAAAAAAAA?! Maybe if Steve were still alive, he could’ve helped her set up Office or something, you know, more technically robust….

The last time I saw a genuinely feminist piece, outside of “Thelma and Louise,” was “All About Eve.” And in that case, it wasn’t noble at all, but depressing as all hell: they just didn’t mince their words about the gravity of the situation. Feminism isn’t about taking male gender schema traits and just mapping them onto a woman. “Oh, women are perceived as weak, then make the character physically strong…you know, like MAN-strong!”

Just as “strong” isn’t a trait that defines all of masculinity. Feminism is about balancing perceptions of what is valuable in society without obliterating the differences that make us special. It should bring people together, not perpetuate an ethos that doesn’t belong in our society to begin with.

If this is really being hailed as an empowering, feminist action film, then I think we’ve grown complacent…we need to demand much, much more here. This isn’t even a step in the right direction; it’s a fucking staggering back into a rigid male paradigm that still defines a woman’s purpose ONLY in relation to how she values and supports her man, and how she demonstrates her worth to her man. Fuck.

The Night of the Hunter: A Classic That Doesn’t Age Well

The Night of the Hunter

The Night of the Hunter

This film is the precursor to the slasher genre. Much of what it did was the very first, and Robert Mitchum’s portrayal of the psychotic preacher influenced media ranging from David Lynch’s filmography to “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” I understand all of this and recognize its place in film history. But as unpopular as the opinion may be, there’s just so much about the film that doesn’t work. I’ll start with the good.

The music is incredible. It’s one of the things that stands out the most, and the use of it throughout the film is startlingly brilliant. The theme song Mitchum sings is both beautiful and terrifying – it is a celebration of the holy and an announcement of the arrival of evil.

Stanley Cortez, who shot “The Magnificent Ambersons,” did a ridiculous job; the photography is some of the best I’ve seen. It’s staged so well, and the mood lifts right off the screen and pierces your subconscious.

The acting works, in a bizarre way – matching well with the jarring editing style – but some actors are better than others. Oddly enough, the drunk “uncle” is the most believable and well-rounded out of everyone in this film; most of the characters behave inconsistently and in ways that diminish the film.

The setup is awful. Truly terrible. Mitchum literally talks to God for exposition and I hate every second of it. “How many women did I kill again, God? Was it six or 12?” Fuck right off, dude.

I actually think a great exercise would be to rewrite this shit-heap so that you get an exclusively visual setup. The story could be compelling! It’s about a pastor who’s in gaol with a man that stole $10,000. The man is hanged, and the pastor seeks out his family to recover the money.

The storyline works great and could be easily achieved through better means. But they force this stupid exposition on you and have this scene were you find his car has been reported stolen in order to justify the pastor (Mitchum) getting arrested. It doesn’t solve anything, however, and only makes it more confusing. Why would a petty thief be in the same gaol cell as a man on death row? Just have Mitchum already in prison, and he’s up for release.

We don’t need to know about the bullshit backstory. Hell, he could be in there for months plotting how he’s going to recover the money – getting more and more stir-crazy. Also, are you really going to do the whole talking-in-his-sleep gag to reveal that there’s $10,000? Stupid.

There’s also a significant bit at the end that, because of the disjointed narrative, seems misplaced. The kids end up in the care of a woman who just takes kids in. I think the scenes could work, but it feels like there was a lot more in the script that was cut – so the transition feels abrupt. And in thinking about the end state of our characters, this new addition dilutes the power of the dramatic premise.

The boy is most likely the protagonist, and he’s subjected both to the cruelty and kindness of adults. That there are kind adults in this world is not enough to wrap up this otherwise bleak view of humanity. There are a lot of open story loops that don’t necessarily close; and of all the available options, the kind-but-tough surrogate mother choice seems the weakest.

I don’t give points to a movie for being old or deemed a classic; that doesn’t make it good. Neither does it being the first of its kind. While it’s important to see these things within their historical contexts, we can still be critical of how they’re executed. I read somewhere that this movie was second place to “Citizen Kane,” and I think that’s a travesty.

This movie is nowhere near the same league as Welles’s masterpiece. This isn’t the same as when ancient Greek audiences loved the Deus Ex Machina technique but we’ve grown to now hate it. The film came out in 1955, and there are countless examples of masterful storytelling before, during, and shortly after this period. Watch it for the music and the photography, and toss out the rest.

How Could You Do This To Us?

"Us" - A Terrible, Senseless Film

How Could You Do This To Us?

How Could You Do This To Us? Staggeringly idiotic, I can’t fathom the good reviews this film is receiving – anymore than I can fathom how they approved the “twist” ending. It was something that I’d expect to see out of M. Night Shyamalan’s reject pile.

I love Jordan Peele, but this film was awful. Terrible directing, awkward pacing that was slow to the point of boredom, and laughable acting. When the “tethered” villain started speaking her choked and gasping voice, I started laughing. It was comical. The comedic timing, as a whole was all over the place. There was little that made sense: funny scenes were rendered flat and tense scenes were interrupted by bizarre, unexpected comedic moments.

How Could You Do This To Us? Terrible ActingI appreciated some of the natural dialogue between the characters that could act, but it was still ill-suited. It was also nice to see both Tim Heidecker and Elizabeth Moss, but both of their talents were wasted.

None of the scenes contributed in ways they should, often dragging on for far longer than my attention would hold – and buttoned up with pieces of information that was shown in a form that didn’t depend on the scene context. For example, as the family is driving to the beach in Santa Cruz, nothing happens.

The scene contributes nothing to the main character, and certainly nothing to the overall film, and then they throw in a random flashback she has. If you removed the scene, it wouldn’t impact the film in the slightest; it was merely transitional.

How Could You Do This To Us? The ending…. I’m not even going to bother explaining it, but I will say this: what you think the ending is going to be is stupid. One character goes on a rant explaining the entire film that you didn’t actually see, and it’s supremely moronic. But it doesn’t stop there. No, sadly there’s a twist that essentially invalidates the entire film you just watched. It removes all motivation from the character.

It conflicts with the very essence of the story, and it serves the opposite intended purpose. How Could You Do This To Us? It’s a mistake so egregious, that I’m actually insulted Peele would think I’m so fucking dumb (or amnesic). It’s terrible. As bad as the fake, setup ending is, I wish they had left it there. Sure, you’d feel short-changed, but it would make more sense than what they did. If you want me to share what happens, I will, but I’m gonna need a drink…or several.

“Arrival” Director Apparently Didn’t Know How to End His Third Act

Arrival Movie Poster

Arrival

Based on the trailer, this wasn’t a film I had a particular interest in seeing (although there’s a lot of appeal to “mood” films). However, it isn’t fair to hold the marketing against it because the majority of trailers today make no fucking sense. There are a lot of perks to this movie, but I’m voting it a “No” for several reasons.

The most glaring problem with this film is its story structure. It’s terrible and runs two premises simultaneously, which ultimately clash and ruin any legitimacy to the point it tries to drive home. That’s because it’s trying to drive home two points, and they aren’t reconcilable elements. Every great story unifies its characters, its dialogue, its action, and its outcome to drive home a singular point – often referred to as the dramatic premise.

Here are a few examples I give, as they’re immediately familiar: Shakespeare’s Othello could be summed up as something to the effect of “jealousy destroys the object of its affection (and itself).” Orson Welles’s Citizen Kane (1941) could be concluded to be about how “ruthless ambition leads to isolation and loneliness.” There’s a causal relationship between the main character’s actions and the inevitable outcome. So what are those of Arrival?

Thankfully, Amy Adams is a great actress and she manages to subtly convey the true, singular, underlying motivation of the character throughout the movie – despite the creator’s every attempt to railroad it with manipulative, melodramatic shit. I’d define her assumed premise as something like “love conquers all, even death” – referring to her choice to continue living a life she knows is going to be plagued by loss and suffering. The love of her daughter transcends the inevitable misery, but for her only – as her husband wishes she hadn’t.

But what about the visit from the alien life and the introduction of a new language? In small ways, it supports this initial premise; in other ways, it introduces an underlying storytelling argument or position that conflicts with itself. And it’s ill-defined. I don’t have a great way to phrase it, but the casual mention of “language rewires the brain” is part of it. Communication manifests reality, which is an interesting point and would make a worthwhile story. Just not in the same film.

ArrivalIn addition to structural issues, the film is replete with negligent, self-damning devices. Introducing a time travel or manipulation element into a film format is suicide for 99% of mainstream films because we process information in a linear, narrative form. The end result, not surprisingly, is chaos. Amateurs are often drawn to time-travel or time-bending concepts because it seems to alleviate issues in constructing drama that follows logically and necessarily. Scenes in great movies are both unexpected, yet unavoidable.

Here’s an example of how Arrival fucks its own ass: Adams’s character, Louise Banks, has a want (what moves her to connect with the alien forms) and a need (to sort the death of her child). Because time in the movie is completely arbitrary and she already knows everything she’s ever going to, watching a person go through the motions without any struggle is boring. She never actually had a need; it was predetermined.

While I understand the feelings Villeneuve wanted to create, it plays at odds with the form in which he executed it. Drama is struggle, that’s what makes it interesting. Does this person get what he or she wants most in the world? If the answer is already yes and they’ve had it all along, yet we’re just waiting for that information to be revealed to us, it feels cheap. There’s a huge difference between telling a story that already occurred, and telling one that is happening in real time.

This is a subtle point, and it may seem like excessive nit-picking, but it matters. Louise Banks had, at every point in time within the film, an understanding of how her actions would play out. That she got the gift of knowing all time (front and backwards) does not diminish the fact that she always had what she needed, had already and at every moment made the choice to live the way she wanted knowing the final results.

Amy Adams did a great job resisting enough to keep your attention for the first hour. And when I say “questioning everything” I don’t mean that in a positive way where you don’t fully grasp a complicated topic; it’s that they fucked something up and you’re trying to figure out the reasoning they must’ve used for the producers to greenlight the project.

Arrival

An unnecessary device that cheaply tries to pull at heartstrings.

I haven’t read the original source material, so I can’t say whether or not these unnecessary dramatic elements were added as part of Hollywood’s need to fuck up a good thing, or if they simply didn’t have time to address a complicated, nuanced part of the story but wanted to remain somewhat faithful. Either way, it doesn’t work and should’ve been scrapped. It took them a third of the movie to explain a plot twist that you see coming halfway into the film – so you’re not only bored as this narrative unfolds, but you’re a bit insulted that they assume you’re this stupid.

The other major thing I wanted to point out, which is the product of a lot of films and something I’m CONSTANTLY bemoaning, is how often films TALK AT ME. They show me nothing. The movie is a voiceover sandwiches. Even before we’re introduced to the main character, a voice explains what’s about to happen and then what happens. This is lazy filmmaking, especially given the predominantly visual nature of the medium. I spent $24 to see this movie and the producers spent $47 million…seriously, put a little more effort into these things, you fucking jizz-cocks.

The cool parts involve the actual interactions with the aliens, which heavily emphasise linguistic research. The design of the alien language and the subsequent analyses of their structure was beautiful and fascinating, respectively. Those are the best parts of the film, in my opinion.

I don’t know if you’ll enjoy the film, but you may if you place more meaning into it than is inherent in it. Ambiguity can definitely have value, but only when well-placed and in the service of your story. Putting the responsibility on the audience, rather than the people getting paid forty-seven million fucking dollars to make a strong choice and deliver a cohesive, cogent message, is unforgivable.

“Marvel’s ‘The Punisher'” is Actual Torture

Marvel's "The Punisher"

The Punisher

As the title of this review suggests, I have suffered. Some at the hands of what I consider subpar storytelling and character development, but with the occasional graphic action treat. Some at the hands of myself, and my compulsion to finish this show because I can’t stop ripping it apart.

It’s a little unfair, as most of my criticisms come from a production standpoint; in my defense, however, I only defaulted to this because I found it hard to stay engaged in the story. I’ll knock out the production stuff quickly, then move onto more audience-centric issues.

The cadence of the actors and the devices they regularly fall back on are distracting. For example, Jonathan Edward Bernthal (“Frank Castle/Punisher”) regularly does this thing where he bobs his head back and forth while talking – as though he’s trying to find clues for what line is next from cue cards positioned offscreen. Amber Rose Revah (“Agent Madani”) has this weird palatal fricative pronunciations of words that draw attention to the awkward contortions of her mouth. (And yes, I had to look this shit up it was so irritating.) I don’t know if this was a character choice, and I haven’t seen anything else she’s been in, but it was incredibly distracting and weakened her character to the point where I would start skipping through her scenes in 10-second increments.

Even bitplayers dragged on my nerves with their bullshit “business.” Deborah Ann Woll, who plays the reporter Karen Page (great job on the name, guys…Jesus) does this fucking lip-bite in every remotely emotional scene. Please find something else, lady.

There are obvious set reuses, and later on they just stop caring – like when the psychiatrist helping Billy Russo ends up in the same hospital room where Frank Castle formerly was.

The Punisher -Re-used Hospital RoomThey needed some technical consulting, especially since we’re expected to believe these ex-military folks are legit and elite in their jobs. It should be second nature, and you wouldn’t be referring to a magazine as a “clip.” It’s just sloppy.

As an audience member, and suspending my technical concerns, the show has some major flaws. Mainly, it feels like a rehash of other rehashes. The first season was manageable. But by the start of the second season, I knew we were in trouble.

The plot of the first episode in season two unfolds like a 12-year-old’s power fantasy. Here’s how it starts: Castle is living a new life in the midwest. He’s at a bar with, yep, an attractive bartender. What happens next? Don’t pretend you don’t know. Some drunk patron comes up and aggressively flirts with her – actually uses the line, “How far up do those tattoos go? I want to lick them.” What creatively bankrupt sixth-grader did you steal that from? Anyway, drunk guy doesn’t take the hint, so Castle steps in to save the poor lass. “You just made my night,” boasts the drunkard, stabbing a finger into Castle’s chest. Does Castle buy him a beer and explain the need for a less toxic portrayal of masculinity? Aw, hell no! He beats the shit out of him so that he can impress the woman, whose only purpose is to validate Castle’s baboonery by rewarding him with saaaaayyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeex! …Yes, they fucking have sex afterwards. You can’t make this shit up. Er, I guess…you…can, as it’s been so overdone it has moved past troupe and into ancient relic.

Bar Fight - The Punisher

 

The troupe problem is one of its biggest. Everyone is a cliche, down to Castle’s deceased wife. I don’t get this “perfect woman” affect; you can love your partner deeply without being some virginal fucking angel who never raises her voice or is so selfless she has no personality of her own. How about you writers try dating? It’ll change your life, I promise.

Mostly, I hated everybody in the show, and no investment for what happened to them – save for Curtis Hoyle (played by Jason R. Moore) and John Pilgrim (played by Josh Stewart). Stewart’s neo-Nazi-turned-preacher character was surely overdone, but he pulled it off and was a joy to watch. His presence held every sequence. Moore’s acting was just fantastic; he stayed connected in every scene, and held a charismatic hold as he moved toward clear scene objectives.

John Pilgrim - The Punisher

 

Ben Barnes’s character (“Billy Russo”) was a narrative waste, and was dragged out far beyond what one could call reasonable. You can tell when a character lacks motivation or relevance when the emotional transitions are all over the place. He’s flailing for some kind of inner reason to act the way he does, and it’s noticeably absent from Russo as a character. This typically takes form when he starts yelling; since it’s halfway through his scene, he has to make some other transition. But he doesn’t. He just keeps yelling. Maybe he calms slightly, but then ramps up again pointlessly and exhaustively. Once you hit your peak, bro, you’ve got to go somewhere else. And playing a crazy man who’s only dial is “pissed” doesn’t get you very far with regard to character development.

The speed of the final wrap-up at the end of season two was ridiculous. I think it took them all of 11 minutes to button everything up, and it felt rushed. Both the staging of the actors in the very last shot, in addition to the lighting, made it look like the start of a modern “West Side Story” dance-off. When one of the gang members screamed, “You wanna dance?” I legit thought they were going to break out into a synchronised group routine. Then ole Frank comes in and does his gorilla yell while firing two automatic weapons. It was puss icing on a shit sandwich. It felt like a child directed this scene, but one who only grew up with dated stereotypes of manliness from the 1960s.

"The Punisher" Final Shot - The Punisher

There’s some good to the show: namely, I think their depiction of violent revenge holds some dark satisfaction for viewers, and the effects are done well. The gore is believable, and the sound design heightens the intensity of the graphic assaults throughout a few pivotal scenes. I’m thinking primarily of the death of Agent Rawlins, Castle against Russo at the carnival, and of the fight between Castle and John Pilgrim.

But outside of all of that, I find myself daydreaming during episodes – wishing for what could be and trying to drown out the misery that is this flatly portrayed non-revenge, revenge narrative. Save yourself the time, and pass on this.

America, America (1963)

America, America (1963)

America

Probably Kazan’s greatest directorial achievement, it is also his most personal – recounting his uncle’s trek from Turkey to the United States. Using a mix of nonprofessionals and up-and-coming acting talent, this film contains some of the most radical, emotionally charged performances I’ve ever seen. The commentary provided on the DVD prefaces each scene by saying “this scene is very important.” Appropriately so.

Stathis Giallelis’s face pulls you in; you can’t look away. His struggle to transition into his own definition of a man – outside of his father’s values – is a plight to which most of us can relate. The tension between actors and the explosive emotions littered throughout the film (like visceral landmines) raises my anxiety levels, but reveals a truth about my own experience from deep within. Kazan has always had that effect on me. He reaches in and pulls out the deepest pain and shows it to you. But not in an abusive way; he doesn’t take you hostage. He talks to you with paternal affection – both saying, “I know you are hurting” and “it’s okay, I’ve been here too.”

Kazan Directing - America

The music of Manos Hadjidakis lulls us into new cities, new experiences, and each scene unfolds before you in a way that pulls you further into investment with people around – lovable or not.

Haskell Wexler was an asshole on this picture, completely undermining Kazan’s direction, yet still provided stellar cinematography. Kazan recounts him as “a man of considerable talent, and he was considerable pain in the ass.” Wexler would regularly remind him how little artistry he had, commenting “You know you don’t have a good eye,” a comment that Kazan would begrudge for years. When asked what he thought of the script, Wexler replied “I thought it was a piece of shit…[but] I knew what a Kazan picture would do for my career.” When the film was done, Haskell casually remarked to Kazan, “I think I can see what you were getting at now….” Jesus, dude, save some shit attitude for the rest of us.

Haskell Wexler

Haskell Wexler on one of the many practical locations used for this film.

Dede Allen rounds out the production staff to provide incredible, dynamic pacing through the film’s editing – sometimes jump-cutting mid-shot to provide unrest and disruption to highly charged events within the story.

It is an epic in the most classical sense, replete with a heroic journey structure and deeply symbolic relics, false friends and beautiful sacrifices, and a protagonist who goes through hell to come out a new person. The goal of our hero, Stavros, is clear; and we suffer with him to get there.

Finally, it was inspiring as an American to feel how difficult it was for some to travel here. It was the dream of many to come here, and you can feel the joyful tears streaming down their wind-weathered faces as Ellis Island approaches on the horizon. It must be confusing to immigrants who suffer unspeakable trials to get here, to then hear natives of our country bemoan its faults. This piece gave an authentic slice of the struggle. Toward the end of the film, I felt a strong sense of pride and good fortune at growing up in a land of opportunity.

“Bird Box” is Typical, Lazy, Trope-filled Garbage

Bird Box

Bird Box

I don’t know why I expect films that set up a difficult “Why” premise to ever answer it. It never happens. Why did aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) arrive, and what did they look like? Why did the hitmen in Pulp Fiction (1994) feel so adamant about protecting the briefcase? What was in it? And while these two examples use this restrictive technique to great effect, Bird Box (2018) fails to achieve the same impact. And miserably so. This film is a lazy piece of shit that caters to people with the fucking IQ of a baked potato.

Follow Sandra Bullock in a discount A Quiet Place (2018) scenario mixed with a Tarkovsky premise. This film is a pinata filled with manure. You expect that after beating a dead horse for the eternal length of a kid’s birthday party that there’d be some candy payoff, but you’d be wrong. It’s just more shit. There are some natural dialogue moments that I appreciated, but the obvious and overused tropes were so goddamned tiresome that I eye-rolled myself into an altered state. You have the casual mythology expert for no fucking reason explaining aspects of a doomsday scenario that, ultimately, is never resolved for the viewer. Trim the fat, you pieces of shit. Stop ramming square pegs into round holes. Did they have an obligatory news broadcast montage explaining an end-of-the-world phenomenon? You bet your ass they did!

I genuinely thought there would be some interesting, symbolic purpose for a creature (originating in Russia for some obscure reason) affecting you because of what you SAW. But it doesn’t. And not because it’s esoteric, but because it’s fucking LAZY!

I think about Tarkovsky’s Stalker (1979), which had a similar premise (and the book is even more similar). But Tarkovsky positioned the arrival of the aliens in a way that was entirely plausible, so you didn’t bother asking questions about their motivation. They just showed up and that was that; the real questions were about the familiar, human reactions to their arrival (and immediate, subsequent departure). It didn’t require further explanation.

By contrast, I constantly found myself asking questions during this film that resulted from their laziness. “So I guess we’re just assuming they made it back from the blind drive without issue? Have any of the writers ever canoed? Do they know the impossibility of blindly rafting? So the creature affects anything visible, but isn’t allowed indoors – except through those it’s touched? Why are these rules important to know and do I give a shit…no…I don’t.”

It started off well enough, even though the obvious comedic relief was obvious, with the mom giving this emphatic, serious speech which we ALL knew was going to be revealed as directed at children. But as the film went on, it’s obvious twists got lazier still (not even sure how that was possible), with minor stressors injected into an already trite plot: kids doing stupid kid shit that’s inherently stressful. The little girl leaving the boat to find the surrogate mother…fucking stressful. But I’ll tell you: watching that little shit eating spaghetti over a white carpet would’ve been MORE stressful.

Kids are naturally stressful, and act as overused dramatic devices.

For the scale and budget of this movie, their lack of effort is inexcusable. This film was a waste of my time and I am going to file a class-action lawsuit against Sandra Bullock for this bollocking film. See what I did there? No worries, I’m going to have an obligatory black character explain the fucking joke to you before he unnecessarily sacrifices himself to serve my agenda….

“The Secret Language of Film” – How Carrière’s Theories Still Hold Up Today

Jean-Claude Carrière-

Beautifully crafted essays by French film theorist Jean-Claude Carrière, who was himself a highly prolific and successful screenwriter – working for the likes of Buñuel and Volker Schlöndorff. And the man has a certain command of language that is equal parts moving, inspiring, clear, and devastating. This book not only covers the vast distance of the evolution of visual linguistics behind the ever-evolving cinematic language, but it reinvigourates your imaginative “muscles.” He calls out your shit – the stuff that ruins your creativity – and he gets you to work through it.

Movies have forever changed the human landscape, both internal and external – especially when considering how we view each other and how we view ourselves, compared to…say…the old Master Thinkers and Philosophers of ancient Greece, for example. And yet, with all this technological development and our constant, ever-increasing exposure to new media, the question still remains: is cinema young or old? There is no clear answer.

Carrière masterfully interweaves timeless observations with research that was contemporary in the 90s, and bundles the proof neatly with intriguing, insightful stories that delight you as you read. Even if you’re not a film buff, there’s much to appreciate about this title – especially the way he writes and his humour.

One particularly moving passage recounted how, after being imprisoned a decade without access to media, ex-convicts would be completely confused by modern films and could not follow the sequence of events within the plot. Just like language, film techniques and meanings evolve, are filled with mistakes and misunderstandings, become trite and vapid, and circle back to new meaning. As the Indian proverb says, “God is only interested in beginnings….”

I wanted to cite the following passage, which pertains to the manipulation of news stories for dramatic effect, because it holds prevalent meaning for me:

“Sometimes it is enough to be forewarned, to have a lucid grasp of the language of film, for every TV news program to become an interesting decoding exercise. We can then look with new eyes at the images that bombard us (nobody ever wholly escapes them), anticipating blind alleys, technical tricks, omissions. Our habitual passivity can give way to wakefulness, to curiosity, to a critical eye. A necessary, salutary attitude and – doubtless for that very reason – a perpetually threatened one. But how many people will take the trouble, or are informed enough, to open their eyes, to see differently? Most of the time we stare supine and dull-witted at the image we are shown and the sound we are made to hear: dull and unreacting. Sometimes we hear that these are ‘exclusive’ pictures – meaning that they have been acquired as a result of sub rosa deals and fees higher than the competition could afford. We are being tempted with promises of horror. After one railroad disaster I even heard a reporter say, ‘With luck, we will be able to show you the footage of this horrible accident later on in the program.’ Every professional announcer is to some degree an actor.”

There is so much covered in this tiny book that I can’t really do justice to any review of it. He talks about damn-near everything: relationship in art, the tricks the mind plays on itself, the frustration of trying to find creative balance between exploration and reflexion, and the list goes on. And they aren’t necessarily neatly compiled (in the most positive way, it ties all the elements together, even though it may be at the cost of convenience). I would recommend taking notes; but don’t be off-put: this is a remarkable read.

I had written a longer review, but had ended up quoting so many passages that it was like I was rewriting his book. I think that exercise could be useful, if for no other reason than to sort the immense volume of data packed into those narrow bindings. I didn’t even choose the best quotes! But I do find value in some particular phrases, such as this one – that could really use some context that is not here: “The filmmaker is the heir of the great storytellers of the past, and the keeper of their tradition.”

When Carrière met up with Oliver Sacks, he asked him “What is a normal man?” After some time, Sacks replied that he thought a normal man was one with whom understood his own story (to its full capacity). I think the deeper joke – or the sad tragedy – is that who we are is defined by our stories. Without them, we are aimless – evanescent ghosts without substance that whisper our sad ideologies to those that, even if they could hear, wouldn’t care. Knowing where we come from and where we are going is a profound aspect of our character, and it was refreshing to read from someone who not only understood these nuanced aspects to media – but also someone who cared so deeply about movies that it ends up reminding you of your own occupational divinity…your reason for pursuing this craft. We should all try to find teachers that can help transform our lives. I’ve been fortunate to experience so many of them remotely or from beyond the grave, but nothing beats the real thing of a teacher beating sense into you.. If your heroes still happen to be alive, you should set down to write them a letter immediately. You’ll only regret it if you don’t follow through….

My All-Time Favourite Film – Andrei Tarkovsky’s “Stalker”

Stalker

A particularly difficult review because this film is, academically and in my own opinion, one of the greatest ever made – if not THE greatest. It is a perfect harmony of directorial vision against all odds, perfectly balancing every production element at the creator’s disposal into a masterpiece of visual storytelling. The film is nuanced, yet forceful; thoughtfully logical in its philosophical themes, yet borne of magic and intuition; and it evolved over time – much like the Zone shapeshifts the longer you stay in it – as the story was rewritten between lengthy shooting delays, taking on new form. This is one of those select films I regularly rewatch over and over again, and it moves me with new knowledge and new feeling each time.

The 2K restoration is phenomenal; it makes the movie look like it was filmed a year ago. It still holds a contemporary, timeless feel. And despite older prints holding up very well to the physical demands of time, the enhanced quality reveals subtle details within the frame. The art direction, for which Tarkovskij was responsible, pops out with greater clarity than I remember.

I know only a few people who can watch this movie through without deep, psychological disturbance. I don’t know what it is about the pace and the atmosphere, but it brings up intense feelings – like a grossly vivid dream that you remember for years. And although I find the movie inspiring and uplifting for the artistic soul, it is not a film I would start with if you’re not already familiar with Tarkovskij’s filmography. If you are interested in seeing his films, I would recommend starting with his final film, “Offret” (“The Sacrifice”).

“Stalker” is a science fiction story based on the Russian novel “Roadside Picnic,” and the script was crafted by the two brothers who wrote the original book (which is a class of incredible science fiction all its own, with a totally different temperament). In fact, the word “stalker” (ста́лкер) did not exist in the Russian language prior to the release of the novel and later became popularlised by the movie; the term refers to those who engage in illegal activity and, in the context of the story, would enter the restricted “Zone” in order to extract alien technology and relics to sell on the black market.

The Zone is an isolated area that was radically altered into an unearthly state by an alien visitation. In the book, you could be walking along and, all of a sudden, the very laws of physics would change: you’d be crushed to death by 9000 times the gravitation force of earth or instantly incinerate. Stalkers were the only ones qualified, and daring enough, to navigate the treacherous terrain.

While the novel recounts the adventures of several characters, the film focusses on the perspective of one Stalker and his two travel guests, Writer and Professor. They both hope to enter into the Room, whereby they will encounter a relic that will grant their innermost desire and make it a reality. There is a caveat, however, that makes the “gift” difficult to readily accept – representing one of the most profound “twist” of any movie, ever.

I have had people compare the relationships here as similar to severe drug addiction, whereby the Room represents the “high” you keep revisiting in an effort to match the initial level of ecstasy from your first trip; some read it as the plight of the artist; some view the relationship as a reaffirmation of religion; some compare it to the misery and isolation of the Gulag; others still see the map of our existence and identity – that somehow we possess the truth within us but would not or cannot look directly at our innermost selves, as though the knowledge would destroy us…that we would be witness to God Herself. Many still see the movie as a prophetic telling of what was to occur at Chernobyl (to the extent that later cleanup crews would refer to themselves as “stalkers” and to the disaster area as the “Zone of alienation”).

My most recent viewing revealed something new about the characters: that maybe Tarkovskij is the Stalker leading both artistic and scientific minds to accept the truth that the lens of cinema reflects back onto us. In the film, Stalkers are never allowed to enter the room; perhaps that is analogous to Tarkovskij never being allowed to witness cinema the way others view it, the way audiences consume the stories that unfold in front of them: before we are writers, we are readers; but after becoming a writer, can one then travel backward and forfeit that new knowledge? The beauty of this picture is that it operates on many levels, simultaneously.

While I do not believe great works of art must suffer harrowing obstacles as part of their gestation process, the production of “Stalker” was riddled with nearly insurmountable trials. Half of the movie had already been filmed; but because of either an error in how the cinematographer handled the experimental Kodak stock or due to ineptitude or malice on the part of the lab, the film was deemed unusable. Nearly out of money, and following an incredible delay, Tarkovskij resumed his masterpiece with a newly penned script and renewed energy.

I love the interviews of the crew; the way they talk about working with Tarkovskij sounds like a joy. He was on edge, but never angry. He was an inspiration to them, “always talking about the important stuff,” a production designer recounts. They knew they were making something big and they gave everything they had to the film. I admire artists that can commit fully to an idea they believe in; the effort is cumulative and it shows in the end product.

This movie would ultimately kill Tarkovskij, who would pass away in 1986 from a rare form of lung cancer believed to be caused by runoff out of an abandoned chemical factory upstream from their location in Tallinn. Tarkovskij’s wife, Larisa Tarkovskaya, and the actor playing the Writer, Tolya Solonitsyn, would also die from the same disease. It is difficult to imagine how much he would have contributed to art had he more time to create – as well as a system that catered to his working process.

What remains is a potent collection of movies, photographs, and writings on the subject of film as an artform as powerful as the typical “classical” forms – i.e., writing, painting, sculpting, and composing. His book “Sculpting in Time” is a lucid assertion of the power of moviemaking, as well as his personal journey into this nascent craft.

I’ve seen this movie become increasingly popular, and I’m glad. With the newfound exposure, however, comes a lot of ill-founded critique that “nothing happens.” I liken this feedback to those that approach the Grand Canyon, shrug their shoulders, and murmur a low “meh, it’s just a big ditch” before returning to their vehicle. This movie is worth your time, more than any other I’ve witness in my life and my career. It will yield bountiful fruit, should you apply ample seed. Give it time and your full attention and will literally change your life. Is that not something we want from great art? But I guess that’s the question: when you approach the Room, with its promise to deliver your deepest desire, will you cross the threshold and enter?

“The Shape of Water” Eats Fish Sticks

Shape of Water Creature

The Shape of Water

What the royal fuck is wrong with Guillermo del Toro? How does he keep making films that are getting progressively worse? Is he the next M. Night Shyamalan? Despite having seen this a while ago, I’ve had a hard time writing about this film because it has nothing to point to; it’s completely fucking garbage and Guillermo should be ashamed.

I get the sense that he finally got around to watching City of Lost Children or Delicatessen and thought, “Damn, I would LOVE to make a movie like that…” and then tried it, failing miserably. If you don’t see similarities between the protagonist of this movie and Amélie, you’re not looking hard enough.

The art direction is the only thing decent about this movie (although not nearly at the level of Marc Caro), but inconsistently so: they focus on every little detail, except the ones that are glaringly inaccurate. (There’s a scene where they flood the bathroom simply by sticking a towel at the base of the door. It’s so fucking dumb that I felt my IQ dip down 5 points.)

Shape of Water Art DirectionEverything about the story and its execution is cliché. They even have the stereotypical black woman with her fountain of wisdom and pithy advice spraying all over the fucking place – an ejaculation of race-ignorant tropes that should never have made it into a film in 2017. I’m taking full “Mmmm-HMMMMMMMMMM, guuuuuurl” one-liners and all. …Yeah, I couldn’t believe this shit either.

And yet, the film actually takes TIME to show people being discriminatory toward black people…why? What’s the fucking point? Is the message, “Hey, racism is bad, guys. You should never tell black people seating isn’t available in a pie restaurant that’s empty…oh, and homophobia.” You think I’m joking with this or exaggerating the juxtaposition of themes? I’d tell you to watch the film and see proof, but this fucking steaming pile of malignant cancer is not worth your time.

Stereotypical Characters - The Shape of WaterAnd I really shouldn’t have to say this again, but I am so fucking sick and tired of voiceovers in the beginning and end of films. It’s the laziest, dumbest, most hack thing to do and it’s a ready sign that the “artist” is too talentless to find a more appropriate solution to setting up their story. They lean so heavily on it, and obviously so; and how strange that they work to set up context where we don’t need it.

Am I just going to watch this film thinking, “Meh, this person isn’t that special…I don’t know why we’re following her around,” only to have the VO kick in and everything make sense? “OH! So she IS special and the main character of this picture! Holy shit…I had…I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA!” Morons. Utter fucking trash whose creative ability is lower than grass.

Don’t waste your time on this picture. It’s aimless, meandering fucking waste that flounders around with a weak plot and bullshit politicising in ways that are ineffectual and pandering. I’m furious that it’s a film, I’m furious that it was made with the good intentions of people’s money and the creative talents of the crew, and I’m furious that this bloated fucking balloon of washed up old gristle is still making pictures with zero merit. Go home, Guillermo. Don’t become Shyamalan…bow out gracefully and do us all a favour, you rancorous pile of dog shit.